1. Painters used to eat their paint to be more connected to their art; the most common white paint at the time was lead white. Artists have been crazy for a long time, lead poisoning didn’t help.
2. BBC television host Chris Evans accidentally packed a Damien Hirst painting into a box that went to a second hand shop while moving. The work has an approximate value of $500,000, and was not recovered.
3. The Venus of the Willendorf looks strikingly like my grandmother.
4. In 1997, Kara Walker was awarded a MacArthur fellowship, or “genius grant”, at age 27. Bitch.
5. Tara Donovan, an American sculptor, said “It is not like I’m trying to simulate nature. It’s more of a mimicking of the way of nature, the way things actually grow.” Yes, sadly, most artists are just as vague as this one.
6. Peter Doig said “I’ve never believed in God, but I believe in Picasso”. Basically this is everything that is wrong with art and the artist today.
7. The Hellenistic statue, “The Sleeping Satyr” is the single most arousing piece of art ever made.
8. Bansky said “I opened the door for a lot of people, and they just ran through and left me holding the knob”. Yep, even when you are making millions with your art you can still be a cynical bastard, or bitch.
9. Jackie Kennedy facilitated the first traveling of the Mona Lisa to America after wooing Andre Malraux, France’s Minister of Culture. Slut.
10. Mix Viridian Green and Quinacridone Red and you get black. That’s right, red and green make black.
11. Break up some old ceramic tiles and glue them to a flower vase and you too can be one of the most successful artists in Texas!
12. “When I was young my mother said to me ‘If you are a soldier you will become the general, if you are a monk you will become the pope.’ Instead I was a painter and became Picasso” -Pablo Picasso, king douchebag.
13. Pollack used to tease Warhol incessantly.
14. Pull a scroll out of your pussy and read it, apparently it’s really important art.
15. Put a sheep in formaldehyde, apparently it’s really important art.
16. Crayola faced a lawsuit for having a crayon named “flesh” and had to rename the color “peach”.
17. Art Instruction Schools has been successfully training artists since 1914. You’ll learn at your own pace in the comfort and privacy in your own home. Call this toll free number for your art test. 1-800-801-6940.
18. The acceptance rate to the Yale School of Art’s graduate program is around 3%.
19. Da Vinci was gay, Michaelangelo swung both ways.
20. Lite-Brite is a SEVERELY underused medium.
21. Jane Alexander makes some of the most successful, important artwork I’ve seen a human being make in a very long time. She’s a South African resistance artist.
22. Check out Takeshi Murakami’s “My Lonesome Cowboy”. It sold for over $15,000,000.
23. Phil Collins’, the artist not the singer, has a hilariously incredible video installation piece of a bunch of people karaoke-ing to The Smiths’ album “The World Won’t Listen”.
24. One of Richard Serra’s giant sculptures crushed and killed a rigger in the seventies.
25. Check out Botero’s Abu Ghraib paintings for one of the most watered down, insulting and ineffective artist renditions of human cruelty and tragedy ever made.
Patrick Short is an artist in Texas.